"There's a 3% prevelance of lactation in men -- I'll take my chances."
William Bowen [6 Dec 2010]
"I just used a tissue from a brand new box that smelled exactly like cassette tape liner notes, particularly Depeche Mode's Music for the Masses and the Cure's Disintegration.
— Adam Rice [26 Sept 2006]
"Jorge, 'dis junks won't scan."
a Safeway cashier, 19 Mar 2006, alerting her shift manager about a pesky manufacturer's coupon I had given her
"Human beings is the only thing in the world that hold onto they family after they get goin'."
— unnamed coworker [3 Nov 2005]
On America's ambassador to the United Nations, John Bolton: "Has he been behaving? … Has the place blown up since he's been here?"
— President Bush to Secretary-General Annan [14 Sept 2005]
"They're terrible people, liberals. They believe — this can really summarize it all — these are people who believe you can deliver a baby entirely except for the head, puncture the skull, suck the brains out and pronounce that a constitutional right has just been exercised. That really says it all. You don't want such people to like you!"
— Ann Coulter [Time Magazine, 25 Apr 2005]
On Jennifer Aniston: "I don't think she's all that and a bag of chips like everyone else does — I just think she's a bag of chips."
— Annie Brundage [8 Jan 2005]
"You're not a larval newt woman, are you?"
— unnamed coworker [Oct 2004]
On John Kerry: "He gets out of a coffin every day to go to work."
— Rush Limbaugh [7 July 2004]
"I love hugging myself; I love human contact."
— Rush Limbaugh [29 June 2004]
"I heard that Gorbachev digs America. I'd be diggin' America too if I were raised a Commie and my only escape was vodka!"
— Rush Limbaugh [14 June 2004]
"Just think, this pencil sharpener is sitting here day and night — all weekend long for the off-chance that we'll come by. Isn't that nice?"
— unnamed coworker [23 July 2003]
"Hey, it's me again! Spreadin' nothin' but laughter and sunshine!"
— my custodian [22 July 2003]
"It's a wonder my head isn't five times as big as it is."
— Rush Limbaugh [February 2002]
"I'd be sad if I were an elephant."
— Rush Limbaugh [January 2002]
"I love restaurants. You're sitting there and all of a sudden, there's food. It's like magic."
— Brian Wilson 
"Since I was already a celebrity, I would have to don a disguise of fat suit, wig, beard and glasses and we would spend the day in the suburbs of southern California, going door-to-door or making the rounds of shopping malls, distributing our Watchtower magazine."
— Michael Jackson [March 2001]